Me

As you can see from my videos I’m pulling all the stops.

Here's the newest one:

However at this time it seems that what really matters is what I wrote in the previous article.

- - - - Paywalled For Fellow Yadidyas Only - - - -

As I am now, I don't know what else to do. If I can't get attention by all I have done then I have no reason to believe that a hunger strike at the Wailing Wall or shooting porn in Ukraine (or vice versa 🤣) is likely to do it either. Never mind my preferred options of making additional videos addressing all of the issues that I am uniquely able to address.

Some Jews in the desert were faulted with believing that God hates them. Thankfully, I have had a blessed life and my life today continues to be blessed so I do not feel like God hates me. I do however feel like I’m cursed or doomed to fail. And that's not too far off.

My justification is sound. I’ve tried everything. I’ve never heard advice I did not try.

I’ve held nothing back.

Obviously the answer does not lie in doing more of the same. It lies in an attitude adjustment, after which there is no way to know what actions I will take because I will be a different person.

The way there doesn't feel “religious”. It feels empowering.

As long as I was trying-and-failing to rescue Gilad Dadashev I felt “religious”. I felt his pain and felt a heavy responsibility to save him against all the odds.

When 3 days before his execution date a bunch of things suddenly came together I felt a sort of empowered happiness and it shocked me. How could I be happy instead of feeling the pain of this elderly man living in terror and torture?

But I recognized that new feeling as necessary for success - even if it were sinful. I asked God to please not take it out on Gilad, because this sentiment of empowerment and self-centered feeling good about myself was a winning emotion and the one I needed to cross the finish line and save Gilad’s life.

God, logically I know that feeling is sacred, I am however beset by thousands of years of a sort of religiosity that believes in the righteousness of suffering, of humility, of pride in moral purity, of believing that the good guys lose.

I can't fully shake off those deeply felt sentiments. I was born to 4 Holocaust survivors. Their ineffectiveness at that time was tied to their holiness, while the Nazis effectiveness was tied to their evilness.

But as You know, I have rejected that belief system. As you also know, rejecting it intellectually is not enough.

I am choosing now to be sinful.

I will feel good. I will be self centered. I will say כֹּחִי֙ וְעֹ֣צֶם יָדִ֔י עָ֥שָׂה לִ֖י אֶת־הַחַ֥יִל הַזֶּֽה.

If I save your children I will do it for MY sake.

We are on the same team, אני לדודי ודודי לי. And for the sake of our team I will banish you from my heart and embrace the world as my own.

My final public request from you is that you grant my readers understanding so that my words are sweet and understood in their hearts.